My Recital

[sidekicker]

I'm unsure why PMs are disabled on here. But -- Fluteguy -- do you recall my personal email address? I'm pretty sure I gave it to you a while back. If you do, please write to me there. I want to have a private discussion with you about all this.

SK

[fluteguy18]

I'm writing an email right now.

[MissyHPhoenix]

Please give us an idea what they said to upset you so badly.

[fluteguy18]

For sake of professionalism I will not say publicly what transpired. I already said too much when I named schools. If you want to know more details, then you are free to email me. Simply write to:

(insert my fluteland screen name without parentheses)@yahoo.com

[lula]

Haven't been on the forum in a little bit so I didn't have to tell you earlier, but I'm telling you now: Don't quit fluteguy! I listened to your recordings and they were wonderful. You're too good to throw it away now!

-Lula

[fluteguy18]

Update to anyone who is familiar with what has been going on with me lately... I am not listless anymore. I am not greatly depressed anymore. I am angry and bitter. I want to play, but at the same time I don't want to. I don't want to quit because it means they would be right about me. At the same time I can't bring myself to practice with regularity. I'm really struggling with direction in my life.

I'm still taking lessons, but my teacher has stripped me down to basics. I am playing only scales and etudes. She has cracked down on me harder than ever before. I think that she over estimates my potential. I think that I over estimated it too. I mean, I've only been taking lessons for 4 years. How could I realistically expect myself to become a great player in such a short amount of time?

I've been very bipolar in regards to my attitude as well. Sometimes I don't want to play. Other times I think: To heck with all of them! I'm going to play what I want, when I want, and the way I want to. And if they don't like it, they can stuff it!

But it's hard to keep that going. I am trying though. I just think that I need a really long detox.

[Bo]

Have you been taking lessons or playing the flute altogether for 4 years? Maybe you should have told them at any rate...
In any case, I know you love the flute and I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world...

[fluteguy18]

I started lessons 4 years ago. I played flute in band growing up, but the program was very poor (financially and quality). We relied on grant money from the Save the Music Foundation or the Mr. Holland's Opus foundation in order to continue from year to year. Grade 3 music was very difficult for us. It would take us 2-3 months to learn a grade 3 piece (in high school).

I knew one major scale (Bb) and I could read 4/4 and 3/4 time when I started lessons. I didn't know what a triad was, or what a minor scale was. If I saw any music with even one sharp in it I got stressed. If I managed to get through the music without missing more than 3 notes, it was a good performance regardless of anything else.

I've come a long way.

[pied_piper]

I started lessons 4 years ago. ... I've come a long way.

Indeed. I've listened to some of your recordings online and if that's the progress you've made with only four years of private study, that's quite an accomplishment moving from where you were then to where you are now. You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. Yes, there's always room for improvement, but that applies to every musician. You started on a performance track later than most of your competition, but you are still young and with the work/practice ethic that you have described here in your many postings, you can make it happen.

Here's a little story that may bring a smile to your face. A few of years ago, I was learning Gaubert's Orientale. At the time I was not studying privately, so I bought a professional recording of it to listen to for some interpretation and phrasing ideas. The recording that I bought was made by a well known, well respected flute professor from a very prestigious conservatory. This professor is also a former flutist of a major symphony. At this point in time, I had practiced and learned the piece and had it almost completely memorized. While listening to the recording, I noticed that there seemed to be a couple of notes in the recording that were different than what was printed in the score that I had. So, I looked up the professor's email address online at the conservatory website and wrote an email to inquire if there were some erroneous notes in the printed edition. I received the following reply:

Boy, is my face red! In bars 74 and 76 I played wrong notes. You are the first to call attention to the fact.

But there are extenuating circumstances: from bar 61 to 78 there are sharps all over the place, and all B-flats are canceled. So the player gets to feeling very securely grounded in F# minor / A major. Gaubert and/or the publisher really ought to have marked the C-natural and the B-flat - at least in in bar 74 - if that's what they wanted.

On mulling over bars 74 and 76, but also looking through the whole piece and seeing how Gaubert plays with the minor/major dichotomy, I think I agree with you that the way I recorded bars 74 and 76 sounds better than the way it's notated. If the passage just stays in A major, up there in the flute's brightest register, unclouded by C-naturals and B-flats, it sets up a much more effective return to the gloom of D minor.

I can't say that I pondered performance practice before making the recording, although on listening to the only other recording I have of the piece (by Susan Milan), I find that she follows the print.

Is this a required piece for your competition? If so, the administration should point out this pitfall, and decide which way it should be played, so no-one is penalized by the ambiguity. Feel free to use this email if it's helpful.

So, as you can see, no one is infallible - even noted flutists/professors can play wrong notes on a published recording (and then explain them away). Different distinguished flutists can have varied interpretations and differences of opinion, not just of musical nuances, but even of the composers intended notes. If the truth be known, I'd bet there are embarassing skeletons in the closets of every professional flutist, including the ones that you played for.

So, keep at it. You'll get there...

[remnantpark]

Wow! Long time since I've been in this message board. 8th grade (when I first joined) to now senior, lol.

Well, it's late right now so I listened to a few pieces from your recital, fluteguy18...I think you have a lot of spirit in your playing, and you have a very lovely tone! I liked your Bach sonata in e minor and I liked the Enesco, too. Sure, you may not think it was prepared as well b/c of the few slip-ups, but I really could care less.

And so many people in the music industry are JERKS! I think you should keep going. I'm sorry that you've been so down before. Perhaps I can relate a bit. I am pursuing a minor in piano and I won this competition for piano. I was SO honored! I was competing against kids taught by Eastman grads and others who were home-schooled and practiced for hours and hours...However, the morning before the winners recital, I played my piece to PERFECTION. My teacher said it's the second time in her whole teaching career that she had a kid sit down and play a piece to complete mastery (not just a good students' performance/interpretation). Well...that night...was just different. I stumbled and I completely forgot one measure. It tripped me up, and it was so embarrassing! I just paused there and panicked for more than a minute, and I ended up skipping probably more than 60 measures! How awful! I was a winner, but I messed up. Plus, some other kid who played the same piece at the audition didn't make it, and came to the recital to watch...well, isn't is just wonderful that I made such a great impression? /sarcasm. Seriously, I cried the whole night after, and I got discouraged/depressed. I really didn't want to practice. And up to now, I still get very worried and nervous before a performance.

Well, when it comes to art, we always make some kind of big blunder or we get criticized very badly by others. But the world is just not perfect! And those two very respectable flutists...well they should receive shame for discouraging you! And taking lessons for only 4 years is AMAZING! You should never ever give up! I hope you recover very quickly!

Everyone has a downfall moment when everything negative just seems to get to you...well it'll be alright. Maybe you just need time to chill, stop, and go somewhere/do something that puts you in complete peace. In fact, maybe lay off on the practicing. If you are tired, you are tired. You need a break to settle with who you are and what you want to be. After a while, you'll have things settled again, I promise. And your flauting will be back to where you'll want it to be.

Experience: Depression issues before.

[pied_piper]

FG18: I see from your other postings here that you are back. You seem to have recovered and are back in good spirits again. Good for you.

[fluteguy18]

Good Spirits? Wellllll..... I'm trying. In the past 4 days I have had a great many stumbling blocks fall before me (some of which were huge and have hurt me financially as a musician).

So in all honesty, I'm still really struggling. A friend of mine who studied psychology pointed out something I hadn't noticed that had been triggered by all of this stuff. I'm in stage 12 of 'burnout syndrome.' (The exact parameters of such a thing are debated of course, but it is still something she pointed out). She noticed the warning signs in January but hoped that they would go away. This ordeal with my trip to Colorado triggered the final two stages: depression, and total burnout.

But I'm trying. I let flute become a job and my identity, and that's why this has been so hard.

Warning to young flutists: music is HARD in every way. Burning Out is very common and very emotionally difficult. The line between dedication/passion, and overworking/sacrificing too much is a fine line to walk. Be careful. It's horrible for the thing you love more than anything else (there were times when I chose practicing over sleep or meals) to become a source of emotional distress.

But I'm trying. I'm not a quitter. I'm just re-prioritizing; finding what makes me happy.

[cflutist]

Hang in there FG.

You sure contribute a lot to this board for which I'm very thankful.

Whatever you decide, music will always be in your heart. I know, as I dropped out because Paul Renzi (SF Symphony Principal Flute) gave me a "B" in my Flute Performance Class at SFSU while I got 8 other "A"s. That was a message to me that I wasn't good enough to make it in music.(I later found out that he gave most Freshmen "C"s).

But I know others that continued on to become music teachers.

Based on your recital, I think you have what it takes to make it but it is sure politcal out there.

Good Luck.

[fluteguy18]

So... I'm giving another update... roughly a month and a half since my last one. Or at least I think this was my last one... if not, please forgive my repetition. Things have changed a lot for me since July. I have found joy in life again.

I decided to resurrect some old hobbies of mine like reading and writing and art and acting. These have done so much good that I can't believe how much happier I am as a person. They are of course in small doses, but the simple fact that I'm doing them again has been the missing piece in my life that I've been looking for. I find myself once again looking forward to taking my flute out of its case. I love playing, I love practicing, and I am now achieving balance.

I love working on my weaknesses as a player because they are all a matter of technical facility, and it is so easy to measure progress on those things. I play scales and technical exercises all the time, and I am improving faster with 2 hours of practice a day than I was practicing 3 hours a day. It's amazing how much a simple dose of happiness can change things.

Furthermore I've realized that I don't have to make my money as a musician to be happy. At the moment I'm making my money as an actor at a haunted house and am having a BLAST!!!!!!! On top of that the VP's of both Powell AND Haynes talked to me about working for them as a flutemaker. I'm definitely interested in that.


And of course... romance doesn't hurt either. Let's just say that I'm getting a certain sparkly circle sized this week, and I have a question to ask soon.

[cflutist]

Congrats !!!! I'm so happy for you. Glad you've found happiness.

Yes, there are jobs at flutemakers for Flute Performance Majors. The customer service rep (I've been talking to her for the last 4 months) at Brannen has a Masters in Flute Performance. I asked her to personally play test my flute before it is shipped to me.