Joke of the Day

[ghostNote]

Q: How do you stymie a sax player who wants to learn to double on the flute?
A: Woodwinds, woodwinds, woodwinds, they're all one big happy family! Now, the bottom line is this: they all got to have some kind of reed first before you're going to get any kind of sound to come out, right? So, first thing you're going to need to do is unscrew that cap, take that cork reed out and place it so that it fits snugly into that first opening you'll find running down the length of the shaft... Yeah, that's right, the big oval-shaped one right in the middle of that there raised plate. Now, always remember to return the cork reed to the safety of its original storage position whenever you've finished playing for the day...

[ghostNote]

Q: Why did Santa put a lump of coal in the flautist's stocking?
A: Because after taking all that trouble and bother coming down the chimney, he saw that, in the spot where the tree ought stand, stood a flute decorated in Christmas lights, having no other explanation save a note which read:

Caution, Ongoing Research!

Investigation into how many lightbulbs
required exactly to screw UP a flute,
Careful Please to NOT Disturb!

[flutego12]

Thanks!

What can I say? Being a flute player has given me drive, and when I want something... I go get it! Haha. Since I don't have a formal culinary background, I brought in a photo album of everything I've cooked (cflutist has seen in on my facebook), and I fixed a batch of puff pastries with whipped almond cream filling to actually show them that I'm a good cook. The official offer is supposed to go through on Monday or Tuesday, but they were fairly explicit when they took me on the 1 hour tour of the facility. Considering that I'll be one of the only 2-3 "full time" people working there, I'm really happy. It's tied to the largest plant nursery in my state (sells over $5million in plant sales each year alone), and from what they showed me of plans not yet finished, I see a LOT of potential for this company. Because it's tied to that nursery (both monetarily and physically), it's garden themed, earthy, classy, geared towards organic and whole-food cooking, and specialty baking, I'm excited. Those are exactly the things I'm interested in.

I start in about 2 weeks.

Wow. Congratulations fluteguy. Sounds like you are on to a good thing. Every success.

[Classitar]

It's that time of the week again!
Time to roll out the ever expanding list of bad jokes


I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
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Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
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A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.
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I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
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How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
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I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never
met herbivore.
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
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I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
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I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
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Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn't control her pupils?
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When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
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What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
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I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
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Broken pencils are pointless.
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I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
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England has no Kidney Bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
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I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
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I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
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I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
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Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
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Velcro: what a rip off!
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Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
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Venison for dinner? Oh, deer!
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I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says,
"A beer please, and one for the road."
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
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Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says
Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
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An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.
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Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!".
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

[pied_piper]

The Bad Flutist

A restaurant owner hired a flutist and a harpist to entertain his customers. After several performances, he discovered that the flutist had walked away with some of his valuables, so he notified police, who arrested her.

Desperate for another flutist, he called a friend who knew some musicians.

"What happened to the flutist you had?" he asked.

"I had her arrested," the restaurant owner replied, then said good-bye and hung up.

A few minutes later the friend called back to the restuarant owner and asked, "How badly did she play?"

[flutego12]

The Bad Flutist

A restaurant owner hired a pianist and a harpist to entertain his customers. After several performances, he discovered that the flutist had walked away with some of his valuables, so he notified police, who arrested her.

Desperate for another flutitst, he called a friend who knew some musicians.

"What happened to the flutist you had?" he asked.

"I had her arrested," the restaurant owner replied, then said good-bye and hung up.

A few minutes later the friend called back to the restuarant owner and asked, "How badly did she play?"

This must be an inner circle joke. This flutist with a screwdriver, don't geddit.

[Classitar]

The friend was worried that she was arrested for playing badly!

[pied_piper]

The screwdriver line is my signature. It has nothing to do with the joke about the flutist being arrested...

[ghostNote]

I went to see my friend the flautist --you know him, my friend the flautist Vinnie Boombatz!

I said, Vinnie, every morning during practice I take one look at my embouchure in the mirror and suddenly I got to go throw up! I said, Vinnie, can't somebody tell me what I'm doing wrong; can't anybody tell me what's wrong with me? Please, Vinnie, you gotta help me!

He said, I don't know what to tell you, but your eyesight seems fine!

[ghostNote]

One day when I was a kid coming back home from school, and so my mom asks me what I learned that day.
And I said, Mom, I asked the music techer to explain the difference between a flutist and a flautist.
And my mom says, Oh yeah?, and what did the teacher tell you, honey
So, I says, Mom, Teacher said it's mainly advice given out to new bartenders: you don't want to give a screwdriver to any flute players, whereas anybody who walks around referring to himself as a flautist has probably already had several

Wak-ah wak-ah wak-aaaah!

[ghostNote]

The other night I was up on stage working, and some wiseguy out in the audience decides to shout out and asks me about my job --all of a sudden I'm hearing, Hey buddy! What do you for a living?!

So I says, Listen pal, I find flautists for your sister!, OK?

[ghostNote]

Yeah, technicians, let me tell you about technicians:
Last week I called up my repair-guy and asked if I could come on by the shop and pick up my Yamaha I'd taken down for servicing.
He says, Yeah, come on by, now's a good time; the shop's empty, there ain't nobody around.

So, I come on by, get down to the shop, and-- Shop's empty, there ain't nobody around!

What? Did this section over here fall asleep? I said, Shop's empty, there wasn't anybody around! Sign hung on the door that read: Took the afternoon off --GONE FISHING!

Repair-guys: let me tell you.

[ghostNote]

Q: What's the difference between flutist and flautist?

A: Easy: One's an illiteracy, and the other can't read music!

[ghostNote]

Q: How does the maestro define adagio?

A: Any tempo wherein 4-6 bars should pass by before a flautist can sight-read Bb!

[ghostNote]

...and Andante is if he's already had a few screwdrivers!